You may be asking whether it’s needed to write up on this. We should know, right? We should be capable of judging our circumstances, evaluating our reasons, and making decisions based on our judgement. Nobody should need to make ‘breakup guides’ for us.
Well, sadly, most of the time we get paralysed just to think about this. The reasons are many. We may lack common sense and good decision-making when we’re head over heels with the wrong partners. Or as we get consumed by the relationship to an extent that we lose a track of what is right to do. And way too often we’re just scared to let go of what we have. Even if what we have is not good for us and worth keeping.
So, it’s needed. That’s why I wrote this for you. Some are obvious, the rest is just common sense. Without any further introductions, let’s dive straight in.
1. They treat you badly
This is quite clear, isn’t it? Yet, too many have been there. Too many of us allowed our partners to treat us how we didn’t like to be treated. Just so we are on the same page, here’s what I mean by being treated badly:
- Not being accepted and appreciated for who you are
- Having to make an (extra) effort to be seen and acknowledged
- Or to become your partner’s priority
- Getting ridiculed, criticized, and humiliated for who you are
- Which actually means being disrespected
- Not receiving physical, mental, and emotional support as you need it
- Being avoided or ignored by your partner
- Having your boundaries breached and disrespected
Each point above is a red flag. A flag that screams that if you are receiving such treatment, then you should run fast.
This is not the kind of connection that enables you to grow or thrive, not even relax, find comfort, safety and security — to lie yourself down and just be.
It’s unhealthy not only from the mental health aspect, but any perspective.
Bonding with anyone who treats you badly has a negative impact (or rather a set of) on your mental, emotional and physical health. You’ll start feeling poorer and getting poorer on the inside as well as the outside. The bigger the impact for the longer you stay in such a bond.
2. They are pathological liars
It’s fair to say that we all like to twist reality to some extent. I’d be surprised if there’s a person who can truthfully say they never tried to colour the facts a little to what they’ve originally been.
Yet, there’s a difference between saying that you’ll take five minutes when you mean half an hour. And lying about facts such as who you are, what you’re doing, where you’ve been, with whom, and for what reason. This, dear reader, is alarming and it should worry you.
If this is something you’ve experienced in your relationship, then I’d like you to ask yourself this: ‘Can I still trust this person? What makes me trust them? What makes me think that they won’t do this again? And again?’
In case they promised something to you by their words, didn’t they also lie to you before in the same language — saying something that wasn’t true? What makes one set of words they say different from another? How do you know what is the truth? Can you distinguish between the two? What if any new statement or a promise is just another lie?
If your partner is being dishonest with you as their partner on purpose, it means they are okay to function like that. They do it without even feeling strange about it.
And rather than them changing, they’d expect you to accept every new coming lie. It also means that they don’t respect you. And they cannot, because they don’t even respect themselves. Waiting for a person like that to change from one day to another is like waiting for the ship at the airport.
Do yourself a favour and choose something better and healthier for yourself. Choose a life where you don’t have to play a detective. Choose what’s true.
3. They betrayed you
First of all, let me introduce you to what all betrayal is.
Betrayal doesn’t only involve a person having an affair. And having an affair doesn’t only entails a physically intimate connection. Even an emotional bond outside your relationship is a betrayal. And it goes further.
‘’Betrayal is when someone you trust lies to you, cheats on you, abuses you, or hurts you by putting their own self-interest first. Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience.’’ — Monica A. Frank
Monica A. Frank, Ph.D., clinical psychologist with over 30 years of expertise with cognitive-behavioural therapy, expands this further:
‘’Notice that I am using the term “loss” to describe the consequences of betrayal. In our society, we have trouble understanding the concepts of loss and grief. We understand that when someone dies we experience loss and grief, but frequently we don’t recognize the other forms of loss that we may experience in life. Loss can be losing a person through death. However, it can also be losing a part of that person such as through illness.’’
‘’Loss can also involve things that are less tangible such as trust. When an individual is betrayed by someone, they lose trust in that person. In trusting another person, we believe that they won’t hurt us; when they do hurt us, we then have the awareness that this other person has the capacity to hurt us. Therefore, we have lost something very important to the relationship.’’
So if you’ve been betrayed and your trust has been broken, holding onto the person and the relationship m may cost you more than letting them go.
It’s like putting a broken vase together when some pieces are missing already and intending to fill it with water. And as you keep repairing the vase, you’ll end up having to find something new to fill the cracks. Then, as you pour the water into it, it’d start coming out at the broken places. And so you’d have to start filling up the cracks again.
This is how holding onto a relationship with broken trust feels. The question to ask yourself is whether it’s worth to keep fixing the vase. It is worth it for yourself?
As you ask, try to make sure you’re thinking about what you do want and whether the answer you’re getting is coming out of love for yourself, not fear — what you’re fearing to happen when you let go. 90% of our fears are not real.
4. You’re not getting emotional satisfaction
This means that your partner doesn’t provide you with an emotional blanket of affection, support, and fulfilment.
They may not be capable to do so — in case they’ve not processed some of their inner issues — traumas or blockages from childhood or their previous relationship(s). Or they’re negligent on purpose.
In either case, you’re the one who’s losing.
If your relationship/ partner doesn’t have the capacity to make you feel good to be together and rather drains your energy than fills you up, then what’s the point? What are you getting out of it?
If it’s not happening, when it’s not mutual, the emotional connection is broken. And such a relationship cannot function properly without one of the couple compromising themselves.
If you’re the one who has compromised so far, look into your why’s and whether what you’re getting in return is worthy of your investment.
5. Your connection is weak and of little depth
If all you have in common is your love for sex and Netflix series that you watch together at nights, let me tell you that this itself won’t take your relationship far.
Even if you are opposing personalities and complete each other well, you’re a dream-like couple. There can be differences in your interests and passions, approach to life, and various situations as well as problems and communication. Even your love languages can differ and it’d still work.
However, if you don’t have the same values, your world-view opposes each other and you can’t understand each other, neither find a consensus that makes both of you happy, you won’t be able to survive the winter.
Because a relationship is not the first few sweet and cuddly weeks of loving dating, great outings, sex, and exciting travels together. As you mature as a couple, it turns more mundane and practical. And you’d need to stand on the same ground when it comes to real-life situations.
Such as how you understand love and relationships in terms of the roles and responsibilities of each partner and how do you see life in partnership together. Whether you want to create a family and have kids, what kind of lifestyle you prefer and accept as well as whether you believe in the same principles for your joint present and future.
Being on the same page entails that both of you understand partnership similarly such as a healthy, loving, respectful, supportive, intimate, emotional, sharing, and expanding bond and aspire to make it so. If one of you doesn’t see respect, intimacy, or emotional support as a part of the loving connection while the other does, and there’s no willingness to change, it will become a big issue going forward. Many relationships and marriages fail precisely on this. Because the couple didn’t check and align their values at the very beginning.
The same applies to the rest of the spectrum. When your values, opinions, the basic concept of life, and worldview are a complete mismatch, you’d argue a lot, even if you love each other dearly. Not being able to connect and agree on the important things translates into becoming an unhappy, frustrated couple.
Are your values, expectations from your bond, and ideas about your life together aligned? Is your bond strong and deep enough to make each other happy and at peace? Without constant drama, fights, and misalignment?
I hope these 5 points helped you to identify where you’re at and what’s good for you.
I wish you well on your next journey.